December 12, 2011

THE BUST

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A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians
and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was
told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At
the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who
glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre
belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of
Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.

"What is that?" snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is
that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader
Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful
things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the
bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was
confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel.
Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer
came upon the bust.

"What is that?" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is
that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin.
I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and
suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it
every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing
the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to
unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes
and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask, 'Who is
that?' - You should ask, 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold
and a bit of black shoe polish."

November 22, 2011

80 RAJNI FACTS

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1. Rajnikant has counted to infinity-twice.
2. When Rajnikant does pushups, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
3. Rajnikant doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is!!
4. Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
5. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
6. Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills, they just made him blink.
7. Rajnikant’s every step is a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of his morning jog!
8. Where there is a will, there’s a way. Where there is Rajnikant, there is no other way!!
9. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai!
10. Rajanikanth can build a snowman…. out of rain.
11. Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
12. Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
13. Rajanikanth can play the violin….on a piano.
14. When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on ….he turns the dark off.
15. Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…. his heart lost.
16. Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
17. It takes Rajnikant 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes .
18. The only things that run faster and longer than Rajnikant are his films.
19. Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
20. When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
21. Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile.
22. Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
23. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant.
24. Rajnikant is so fast. He can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
27. Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
28. When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
29. Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
30. Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
31. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
32. There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
33. Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
34. Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
35. Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
36. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
37. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
38. Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.
39. Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
40. With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
41. The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
42. When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.
43. Rajinikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today called giraffes.
44. Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
45.. When Rajinikanth does push-ups, he isn’t lifting himself up. He is pushing the earth down.
46. There is no such thing as evolution, it’s just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live.
47. Rajnikanth can divide by zero.
48. Rajinikanth can win at Solitaire with only 18 cards.
49. Rajinikanth did in fact, build Rome in a day.
50. Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
51. Rajinikanth doesn’t breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.

52. Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
53. Rajinikanth does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
54. Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that’s why there are no signs of life there.
55. Rajinikanth doesn’t move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Rajinikanth.
56. Rajinikanth knows Victoria’s secret.
57. Water boils faster when Rajinikanth stares at it.
58. Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
59. Rajinikanth leaves messages before the beep.
60. The last time Rajinikanth killed someone, he slapped himself to do it. The other guy just disintegrated. Resonance.
61. Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
62. Rajinikanth doesn’t need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
63. Rajinikanth’s brain works faster than Chacha Chaudhury’s.
64. Rajinikanth doesn’t shower. He only takes blood baths.
65. Rajinikant can give pain to Painkillers and headache to Anacin.
66. Rajinikanth knows what women really want.
67. Time and tide wait for Rajinikanth.
68. Rajinikanth sneezed only once in his entire life, that’s when the tsunami occurred in the Indian ocean.
69. As a child when Rajinikanth had dyslexia, he simply re-scripted the alphabet.
70. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Rajinikanth’s fist.
71. Rajinikanth puts the ‘laughter’ in manslaughter.
72. Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
73. Rajinikanth is a champion in the game “Hide n’ seek”, as no one can hide from Rajinikanth.
74. Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
75. Rajinikant is a weapon created by God to use on doomsday to end the world.
76. Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
77. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
78. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Rajinikanth.
79. When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
80. Rajinikanth is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

November 17, 2011

RAJNI RETUNS

1 comment:



When Rajnikant was studying in 3rd std....some1 stole his rough note....&

Now they call it as .............Wikipedia

Crazy people!!!! ;)

========================================

When Rajnikant was a Student¦!!!

Teachers use to Bunk the classes!!!

========================================


Rajnikant started college. All students were confused while taking admission because name of college is

"Rajnikant's Medical College of Engineering for Commerce".

========================================

THE MOST NEGLECTED FACT OF THE ENTIRE DECADE!!!!


Sachin Tendulkar's mothers name is RAJNI Tendulkar

And his coach's name is ramaKANT

Is there a need to say anything beyond this???

========================================

Rajinikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking - "Solve any 100 questions"

He solved all 150 and wrote, " Rascalla!, CHECK ANY 100!"

========================================

One day Rajani thought to play cricket in monsoon and rain stopped due to play.

========================================

Rajnikanth's next project is the Titanic in Tamil. However, Rajni has twisted the climax. Both the lead actors survive. Rajni swims

across the Atlantic Ocean with the heroine in one hand and... The Titanic in the other

========================================

"Who says the world will be destroyed in Dec 2012..Rajnikant just bought a Laptop with three years warranty"

========================================

Rajni can walk faster than light.
"Rajni cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another".

========================================


Law of Conservation of Rajni

All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!!

========================================

Once a photo of Rajnikant was given for Xerox. Don't even try to guess what happened.

We got two copies of the Xerox machine.

========================================

One more:

Once upon a time

Rajnikant used Tooth Powder to get strong teeth

today that powder is known as

"AMBUJA CEMENT"

========================================

September 03, 2011

Bill Gates

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I don't think that Bill Gates needs to wait for that long...



August 31, 2011

THE CHRONICLES OF MR. CHATUKUMAR - I

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PART- I / 31-08-2011

Once on a rainy day in Jaipur my grandfather Mr. Tharkichand passed to me the centuries old family success mantra. The mantra which was the most credited reason of our family's super success. Though we have not remained as rich as i did stress but still owning seven cars including two luxurious one are pretty enough in the country, where most of the population still travel in buses and eat samosas with hari chatni. 

He said to me, " Beta, whatever you do in your life always remember one thing that a person cannot make it big without proper guidance. That's why we have made it a tradition of our great great family that before one of younger one goes for higher studies by paying handsome amount as fee and not to forget under the table fee; he should be told the family's mantra for guaranteed success. I'm personally so convinced with the mantra that at the time of your birth I decided that your name should be Chatukumar, means a person who does lots and lots of chamachbaji(flattering). So if you really want to succeed in life don't forget one thing that even in blackest night there is a ray of hope, so whenever you get in some difficult situation in your life just believe in the super mantra of success 'the chatugiri'(flattering). Now go and rule the world!"


(continued...)

All characters and situations in the story are fictitious, if you feel that it is similar to your own story than go FUS ;)

May 01, 2011

kOthari is nO mOre

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My facebook status with all original comments.

ME: Aaj agar KothariJi jinda hote to kahte, "beta, aj tune mera naam roshan kar iya podar se passout hokar tujhe job mil gyi!!aur sabse bdi baat salary bi mil rhi h."


Bishamber Singh likes this.
Bishamber Singh agar kothari ji jinda hote toh unki baduaa se teri job hi nhi lagti mar gye tabhi job lgi h teri.
Shrikant Kumawat bhai mujhe bda dukh h unke gujar jane ka, bde bhale aadmi the. bhagwan narak ki sari aatmao ko shanti de....
Syed Faiz Ali likes this.
Siddharth Choudhary likes this.
Renu Bansal likes this.
Shilpa Dhiran likes this.






ME : Pity for Osama, now he has to share a room with Kothari 
in the 'Hell'...


Shilpa Dhiran likes this.
Yogendra Kumar Bairwa likes this.
Siddharth Choudhary likes this.
Mamta Koli ye kya ulte seedhe comment jarta rahta hai
Syed Faiz Ali ha ha ha..
Shrikant Kumawat ab ye kothari chahe kitna hi gira hua aadmi kyo na ho, uske kadradano ki kabhi kami nhi rhi....
Syed Faiz Ali tum kya kar rahe ho bhai.. degree nahi chahiye kya
Shrikant Kumawat achaar dalna h degree ka, plane banane k alawa kya kaam ayegi? Us degree ki valve hi kya jo kothari jaise logo ko 25 saal phle mil chuki h...
Syed Faiz Ali ha ha ha .. cant bear it man.. u r so aggressive


March 05, 2011

glimpses of the past

5 comments:

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."


"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."


"The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one."


"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."


"It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them."

  
  "One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."


"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."


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March 04, 2011

and I got my 10 Rs. back..

1 comment:
Tata DoCoMo Logo

Guys you all know how telecom companies sucking their customers in India by telemarketing stupid products by calls and messaging. But the most irritating thing is deducting balance without any reason or just starting any value added service without customer's permission.

I also faced the same irritating situation this week. I have a TATA DOCOMO no. for last one month, I purchased this particular company's SIM because they have best internet browsing plans in my knowledge. But from the very first day I'm having so many telemarketing calls and that's not a big thing because you have to activate the DND your new SIM but problem is that it is not activating for last one month.

The problem started when I recharged  my no. with a Rs. 65 RC for Internet, but instead giving me 2.5 GB data balance they credited 3600 free local TATA mins to my account.
I talked to customer care about the issue but it didn't helped. By not getting a satisfactory reply I just mailed to the HRM department, informing about my problem.

 On 2/27/11, shrikant kumawat <shrikantjaipur@gmail.com> wrote:
 Hi,
 My No. is 7418086065, I'm living at Chennai. Today I recharged my No.
 with RC 65 for GPRS, but instead giving me 2.5 GB data they gave some
 3600 local TATA mins to me.
 The customer care executive says that they changed the GPRS plan to RC 63
 now.

 But you are still advertising about RC 65 plan, what is that?
 Now tell me what should I do with these free mins, Among all my
 friends I'm the only fool who has DOCOMO SIM.

 :( :((


For this they didn't reply, but after 4-5 days I got another issue. Without my asking they started a value added service 'personalized horoscope' and deducted 10 Rs. from my account.

I again talked to customer care and got the same reply, and then again mail to HRM department.

Complain/2
 Just 4 days ago I lost 65 rupees, and today again they start a
 'personalized horoscope' service without my request in any form.

 After my complain they dis-activate the service, but what about the
 money I lost due to this.

 Before DOCOMO I have use Airtel, Reliance and IDEA, but I thing DOCOMO
 is worst service provider in among these companies.

 Pls reply, don't be so dumb.

This time I got was lucky and got a reply.

 Dear Customer,

 Thank you for writing to us.

 We are in receipt of your mail dated 02-Mar-2011 as regards balance issue
 for TATA DOCOMO number 7418086065.

 We regret the inconvenience caused to you.

 We request you to kindly revert with the deducted amount and date on which
 your balance has been deducted to assist you better.

 Please feel free to contact us at 121 from your TATA DOCOMO mobile phone or
 9043012345 from a Non DOCOMO mobile phone.

 Assuring you of our best services at all times.

 Warm Regards,
 Neha Sharma
 TATA DOCOMO

And I replied...

Dear Ma'am,

Its not about the money, but the irritation I got due to all this.

Personalized Horoscope Service (10 Rs.) It started automatically.

RC 65 (It was for Internet browsing but instead they debited some 3600
free tata to tata mins to my account, please cancel this and debit
this much of talk time if possible.)


Regards,
Shrikant Kumawat

Contact No. 7418086065

Next day I got a mail from the HRM with the message

Dear Customer,

Thank you for writing to us.

We are in receipt of your mail dated 03-Mar-2011 as regards balance issue for TATA DOCOMO number 7418086065.

Please be informed that the amount of Rs. 10 has been credited into your account on 04-Mar-2011.

Further we would like to inform you that we are unable to change the plan.

For further assistance, call us at: 121 from TATA DOCOMO number or 9036012345 from a Non TATA DOCOMO mobile phone.

Assuring you of our best services at all times.

Warm Regards,
Neha Sharma
TATA DOCOMO

That's how I got my 10 Rs. back but what about the 65 rupee recharge, well I think I should just forget about that. 

February 22, 2011

I guess I'm changing

6 comments:
Long ago some idiot said that 'change is the only constant in this world', now this is idiot affirm it. Why I'm affirming is because now I really feel that everything can changes, including me. We don't need to go too back in the timeline to see myself a lazy, unproductive, watching movies and listening songs all the days. After completing my MBA I was at home in Jaipur with 'unemployed tag' for whole seven months and most of time I spent there doing 'nothing'. 

Then I got this job and everything changed over night. From Jaipur I moved to Chennai. The days with full rest changed into 10 to 7 working restlessly, 'funny langotiya yaar' replaced by boring bank colleagues.  Even language is different here from north India, so is the culture,climate and food habit. I think they call it 'cultural shock' 

In short life has changed dramatically with a few days. It took me some days to adapt the conditions though the process will be continue as long as I stay here. But life is not about following a routine in all your life, this is the change in situations which make one strong, mature and more importantly alive. 

For a few days I was cursing my luck for all this but now I'm thankful that I got the opportunity, to be alive.

January 19, 2011

The Almighty Rajnikanth(funny)

3 comments:
Rajnikanth's fan has been considering him a God for centuries and after recently exposed facts they have more reasons to believe it. According to some Indian Archaeologist who are claiming to unearthed some prehistoric manuscripts which says that in the contrary to general assumptions Adam and Eve were in fact children of Rajnikant who later gave them to God so that the God can understand the social science lessons practically which Rajnikanth taught him.

 Courtesy- Corner Jokes

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