Lord Rohit Sharma Jokes- II

Rohit Sharma is one talented player in Indian Cricket team, here are some of the unheard things about him:

Once Rohit Sharma walked into a bar, the manager yelled “Isko mat pilana, ye bahut zaldi OUT ho jata hai”. 

Rohit Sharma is soon going to play a lead role in “Gone in sixty seconds”.

Rohit Sharma is a very talented player, it’s just that he is out of form since 1972. ~Sandip Patil.

Guy: Hello, is Rohit there?| No, he just went out to bat. | Guy: Okay, no problem, put me on hold, I’ll wait.

Rohit Sharma : Pitch :: MPs : Parliament.

Rohit Sharma not only looks like Rahul Mahajan, he bats like him too.

Rohit Sharma is the Tendulkar of nothing. ~Dhoni.

Once Rohit Sharma got out, met Dhoni on the halfway, asked “What should I do?”. Dhoni: Just, keep going.

Rohit Sharma’s bat is so useful, his maid beats the shit out of the clothes using that.

Rohit Sharma is like God, we know he exists, we just don’t see him performing.

Source: Internet

The most inspiring celebrity quotes

 "I was raped at the age of 9 "- Oprah Winfrey  

"I didn't even complete my university education" -       Bill Gates

"I was sexually, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by my father as far back as I can remember until I left home at the age of eighteen" - Joyce Meyer

"I struggled academically throughout elementary school" - Dr Ben Carson

"I used to serve tea at a shop to support my football training" - Lionel Messi 

"I used to sleep on the floor in friends' rooms,returning Coke bottles for food, money, and getting weekly free meals at a local temple" -Steve Jobs

"My teachers used to call me a failure" - Tony Blair

"I was in prison for 27 years"- Retired President Nelson Mandela

Raghu and Neha- flirting

Raghu: Hi, What’s up sweaty. Why are you crying?

Neha(surprisingly): Hey, I’m not crying. What…what made you to think that I am crying?

Raghu: Really?? (Making a solid eye contact) than why the beautiful face is not glowing as much as it usually does??

Neha: You are flirting na??

Raghu(mischievously): Noooo, what made you think that I’m Flirting?

Neha: I just got a feeling that you… you know what I mean.

Raghu: Yeah I know what does that mean. What if you are right, is it ok?

Neha: of course not. You know I’m committed to rahul and you know what I mean; I just don’t think that it is a good I mean good Idea.  I’m sorry, I just, I ….. Are you damn serious about this?

Raghu: Well, I’m not saying that you should break up with the guy, what I’m saying is, umm…. Should we go to my room and talk?

Neha: No, no, no… I have to attend Sirini Sir’s lecture just now.

Raghu: It will be fine if you bunk this one. I promise you will not miss it at all. After finishing a little chat at my ROOM, you can pick a cab to your hostal or I will drop you there is it is okay for you.

Neha: But…. What I mean is, umm… I don’t think, ooops shall I call rahu….. Okay I just bunk this one and I…. Let’s go.

Famous quotes on Lord Rohit Sharma

“People say that they wouldn't pay to watch me play, but even I wouldn't pay to watch him play!” – ‘Sir’ Ravindra Jadeja

“We are trying to secure him for our next advertisement because he swings the bat so fast!” – Manager, Khaitan fans.


“Rohit was sent to Earth by Sachin to play cricket. He is still regretting his mistake.” – Unknown


“I have never compared myself to anyone, but it’s hard to resist him!!” - Shahid Afridi


“Finally I can retire in peace and can rest easy knowing that my ‘walking wicket’ title has been passed on to an extremely deserving candidate!” – Chris Martin


”In an over I can bowl six different balls. But then Rohit looks at me with a sort of gentle bemusement down the pitch as if to say ‘Do you need more than one?’ – Steve Finn


“I have delayed my shoots a few seconds to watch Rohit bat” - Filmstar Abhishek Bachchan.


“If you can’t get the wicket of Rohit Sharma, you are struggling in life” – Brett Lee


“Ask him to walk on water for his team and he will ask you ‘are u effing kidding me? I can’t bat to save my life!! “- Harsha Bhogle


“You might pitch a ball down the leg stump and think you have bowled a poor ball and he walks around and gets it inside edge off to the stumps. His bat looks so light but he just waves it around like a clown” – Brett Lee


“India’s fortune will depend on how soon he gets out. There is no doubt Rohit is a funny thing!” - Sunil Gavaskar


”I’d like to see him go out and bat one day with a stump. I tell you that’s what he’s been doing all this while” - Greg Chappell


”He is to batting what Munaf is to fielding!” – Sourav Ganguly


“What we don’t need is a Rohit Sharma!” – Hamilton Masakadza, batsman, Zimbabwe


“During our team meetings, we rarely speak about the importance of the first three balls to Rohit Shama. If you can get him, you can thank your stars, otherwise you can get him in the next three balls” – Dale Steyn


“I get bored of umpiring when Rohit is batting”- Simon Taufel


“Don’t change the channel when Rohit Sharma walks out to bat, because by the time you change it back, he‘d be long gone!!” – Ravi Shastri


“Don’t commit your crimes when Rohit is batting, you’d hardly have any time” – Matthew Hayden


“Technically you can’t fault Rohit, where is the effing technique anyway?” – Geoffrey Boycott


We did not lose to a team called India, we just picked Rohit’s wicket”- Michael Clarke

Source: Internet 

Jaipur Literature Festival

                             

I was fortunate enough to lose my job last month(not exactly) that enable me to attend the 6th Jaipur Literature Festival, held at Jaipur's beautiful Palace turned to Hotel- 'Hotel Diggi Palace' on 24th to 28th January 13. It has not been a very long time since the organisers come up with the idea of starting a Literature Festival at the hottest tourist spot of India; probable they had no idea about the immense success of the function that it enjoy now. 

For me 'Jaipur Literature Festival' is like a Mahakumbh of Literature world where you can find thousands of bookworms from across the world, people with different faces, with different cultures and ideologies. It was a great experience to listen thinkers and authors from various parts of world discussing relevant ideas under the same roof. This year likes of Dalai Lama, Javed Akhtar, Shobha De, Shoma Choudhry, Prasoon Joshi, Shabana Azmi, Rahul Dravid and others attended JLF 13 and shared their views with the audiences and answer their questions. 

Next year it will be held from 17th to 21st January at the same venue to part of probable the greatest Literature festival on earth as advertise. 

Hansa & Praful DICTIONARY

"DECIDE"

Hansa: Praful "Decide" matlab ?

Praful: "Decide" Hansaaaa-a ... vo Casettee player mein hum casettee nahi dalte usme hota hai na .... "A side" -- "B side" to "C-side" .. "D- side"

---> "Decide"

"MATURE"

Hansa: Ae Praful, mature matlab ????

Praful: jab apna mahesh... chori karte hue pakda gaya tha.. tab usne kya kaha tha ?

Hansa: usne kaha tha.. leave me.... "MAIN CHOR NAHI HOON" ..main chor .....main chor.....mature. ..acha acha...."

"Alphabet"

Hansa: praful alphabet matlab?

Praful: alphabet hansa,local train mein safar karte hoye maasi jaise hi koi seat khali dekhti hai to wo apni beti alpha se kya kehti hai?

Hansa: alpha beth seat pe, alpha beth,

oooooooooooo, acha toh yeh alphabet!!

"ASSET"

Hansa : Prafulll "Asset" matlab???

Praful : Asset Hansaaa ...

Jab hum gaadi mein jaate hai and jab gaadi signal par rukti hai ..... taab vo bhikari log aa kar kya bolte hai ...

"Aee Seth... thoda paisa do naa" ... " Aee Sethh .... " ... Asset ..

“DEPEND”

Hansa: Yeh Depend kya hota hai Prafful??

Praful: Depend Hansa... wo Swimming Pool mein ek taraf to paani kam

gehra hota hai, aur dusri side zyada gehra..... Deep-End.. Depend!

TOURNAMENT

HANSA:- ae he he PRAFUL, TOURNAMENT MATLAB??

PRAFUL:- TOURNAMENT HANSA!!! YE JO TUMNE JHUMKE PEHNE HAIN, GEHNE PEHNE HAIN INKO ENGLISH ME KYA KEHTE HAIN, BOLO BOLO!!

HANSA:- AAA HAN HAN TOURNAMENT, (HANSA KHUSH)

MELISA:(CHIDH KAR: ARE USE TOURNAMENT NAHI ORNAMENT KEHTE HAIN

HANSA:- ARE KUCHH BHI MAT BOLLL

EK JHHUMKA -- ORNAMENT, DO JHHUMKE -- TWO ORNAMENT# #TOURNAMENT

"AE PRAFUL!! YE MELISA KO BHI BABUJI KI TARAH KUCHH BHI NAHI ATAA.."

Source: Internet

Funny Questions and Answers

1.What is the difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi.?

Einstein said that everything is relative wheras Karunanidhi says that relative is everything

2. Why is BanglaDesh not sending a contingent to Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump or swim, has already crossed the border of the country

3. Why did UPA Government
demonetise 25 paise coins? 
They could not manage one Anna, how could they manage four annas.?

4. 100 phones tapped each day per operator.

Finally here is a government that listens to people.

5. Vote for Baba Ramdev.

He’ll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.

6. Mayawati, Jayalalitha & Mamata should now form an alliance.

They can call it Behenji-Amma-Didi. Or BAD, for short.

7. Some days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense.

Other days, he is silent.

8. Why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

9. Title of a documentary on
Kingfisher’s planes –
"Saare Zameen Par".

Sir Ravindra Charles Jadeja- Pics

Top 10 ways to avoid RAPE

1. Don't live in India - 
Migrate to Bharat instead. 
(Courtesy - RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat)

2. Don't eat chowmein.
(Courtesy - Khap Panchayat)

3. Don't go out with boys in the night.
(Courtesy - Abu Azmi of Samajwadi Party).
Better still - go on self imposed house-arrest.

4. Don't wear jeans. Fashion is strictly prohibited.
(Courtesy - too may people to mention)

5. Get married when you are 16years old.
(Courtesy - Khap Panchayat)

6. Don't use mobile.
(Courtesy - Some Panchayat in UP)

7. Don't cross Maryada
(Courtesy - MP Minister Kailash Vijayvargiya)

8. Say NO to anything remotely connected to western culture
(Courtesy - RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat)

9. Perform puja to put "stars" in correct "position".
(Courtesy - Chhattisgarh Home Minister Nanki Ram Kanwar)

And if everything mentioned above fails and you are still being raped, here is the last weapon

10. Call your rapist "Bhaiya".
(Courtesy - Spiritual Guru Asaramji Bapu)

That ought to STOP THE RAPE!!

Courtesy: Random FB guys

Restart of my shitty blogging

If you are visiting this blog at least second time than you must have noticed that the most of the contents are simply copied and pasted from other sites or are well known but good funny stuffs. Once not so long ago it was a place for pure and original content but then unfortunately, due to sins of my past life, I got a good job. The job was good with good salary and excellent work environment. and for the last two years everything was going good then suddenly I lost the job, due to sins of my present life, obviously. 

So after almost full two years I'm back in my den, ready to make a restart of my shitty blogging career. Stay tuned for most boring and pakau blogs of the century. 

PS: This piece of shit is not copied and pasted from any other site.

Best quotes on Sir Ravindra Jadeja

DISCLAIMER: The below quotes have been written as a joke and are NOT true. Please read with a pinch of salt.

Quotes:

“There are 2 kinds of all-rounders in the world. One – Ravindra Jadeja. Two – Adnan Sami!” – Bappi Lahiri

“I am unfortunate that I only get to bowl at him in the nets.” – Harbhajan Singh

“Anything can happen to us if we’re on a plane flying over a cricket stadium in India with Ravindra Jadeja at the bowling crease.” – A paranoid air-hostess

“He has been out of form longer than some of our guys have been alive.” – Unmukt Chand

“If I am to field when Jadeja is bowling, I will field with my helmet on. They all hit him so hard!” – Cheteshwar Pujara

“I saw him playing on television & was struck by his technique, so I asked my wife to come look at him. Now I never saw myself play, but I feel that this player is playing much the same as I used to play, and she looked at him on TV and said – are you effing out of your mind?! I’d like a drag of whatever it is you’ve been smoking, chump. Now get dressed…you are going to see an ophthalmologist!” – Sir Gary Sobers

“Technically, you can’t fault Jadeja. Seam or spin, fast or slow every goddamn thing is a problem.” – Geoffrey Boycott

“The pressure on me is nothing compared to Ravindra Jadeja. Jadeja, like Ram Gopal Verma, must always fail. The crowd always expects him to fail and it is too much pressure on him. And, he rarely disappoints them.” – Jacques Kallis

“Don’t bother bowling him good balls, he gets out to the bad ones.” – Monty Panesar

“Jadeja has been sent by N. Srinivasan to play cricket and then go back…to Dhoni.” – Ravi Shastri

“I’ll be going to bed having sweet reassuring dreams of myself just running down the wicket & belting him back over the head for six!” – Shoaib Malik, Shane Watson & David Warner (in unison)

“When Sir Ravindra Jadeja first travelled to Sri Lanka to play in yet another of those meaningless ODI series, Shahid Afridi was yet to come out of his 2nd retirement, Tiger Woods was yet to be accused of infidelity, Balotelli had never earned a red card & Kristen Stewart was still a virgin.

When Jadeja embarked on a glorious career taming Kulasekara & co., Poonam Pandey was a name unheard of; Suresh Raina’s nephew was in his nappies; baby Bachchan was still a stray sperm swimming in AB’s pelvic cavity & SRK was yet to promote Ra.One.

It seems while Time was having his toll on every individual on the face of this planet, he excused one man. Time stands frozen in front of Jadeja. We’ve had champions, we’ve had legends, but we’ve never had a Jadeja & we never will.” – Time magazine 

“The earth has carried the burden of Jadeja for 24 years. It is time we carried him on our shoulders.” – some undertaker

“Only he can play that leg glance with his thigh guard.” – Waqar Younis

“He is just what the doctor ordered (Euthanasia).” – Ravi Shastri

“He is to Indian Cricket what Tushar Kapoor is to Bollywood” – Shilpa Shetty

“Beneath the helmet, under that unruly curly hair, inside the cranium, there is something we don’t know, something he himself doesn’t know either – whether he’s a batsman or a bowler. Forget us, even those who are gifted enough to play alongside him cannot even fathom. When he goes out to the ground, people switch off their TV sets for the high octane excitement of watching lawns grow.”– BBC

“Cricketers like Jadeja come once in a lifetime, and I am sorry he didn’t play in my time. Could have added a few more cheap wickets to my tally.” – Muttiah Muralitharan

“Commit all your crimes when Jadeja is batting. They will go unnoticed because even the Lord is dozing off to sleep.” – A placard at the Saurasthra Cricket Ground

Courtesy : Abhijit Dey