Top 10 ways to avoid RAPE

1. Don't live in India - 
Migrate to Bharat instead. 
(Courtesy - RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat)

2. Don't eat chowmein.
(Courtesy - Khap Panchayat)

3. Don't go out with boys in the night.
(Courtesy - Abu Azmi of Samajwadi Party).
Better still - go on self imposed house-arrest.

4. Don't wear jeans. Fashion is strictly prohibited.
(Courtesy - too may people to mention)

5. Get married when you are 16years old.
(Courtesy - Khap Panchayat)

6. Don't use mobile.
(Courtesy - Some Panchayat in UP)

7. Don't cross Maryada
(Courtesy - MP Minister Kailash Vijayvargiya)

8. Say NO to anything remotely connected to western culture
(Courtesy - RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat)

9. Perform puja to put "stars" in correct "position".
(Courtesy - Chhattisgarh Home Minister Nanki Ram Kanwar)

And if everything mentioned above fails and you are still being raped, here is the last weapon

10. Call your rapist "Bhaiya".
(Courtesy - Spiritual Guru Asaramji Bapu)

That ought to STOP THE RAPE!!

Courtesy: Random FB guys

Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

Funny Facts

If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.

They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage,
slow & sure!

Only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends!

All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone
else!

Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune - bapu ji ya chacha ji???

When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart, when tears flows from your eyes always say these words:
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la.

10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!

Proposed Changes for IPL4 (funny)

Hi friends, As you know cricket is more than a game in India. In recent years due the IPL, which is one of the most valued game event of the world, it has become more politicized than ever was. Right now IPL is in the process of undergoing a few major changes, so here are some (funny) changes to be made for next IPL.

1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India.

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi.

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohd Kaif.

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively.

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc.

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for women.

8. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets.

9. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized.

10. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

11. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn.

12. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him.

13. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

14. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

15. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7.30 a.m. and subsequently from 3.30 p.m. to 7p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability.

16. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

17. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed " Krishi Darshan."

18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national / regional holidays.

19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

20. Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls (Hindi terms for underhand bowling) to the reserved players.

21. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it . 

The Four 'P's of Marketing (funny)

Need a laugh??? Just go through it...

Hello friends, this time I'm posting a collection of funny facts. Some of these facts you may have read earlier, otherwise most of these facts are new ones. So make laugh yourselves.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

 Don’t worries about what people think; they don’t do it very often.

 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

 A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

 Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on!!

 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

You are unique and special, just like everyone else.

The man who walks far will always get there after the man with a car

Live every day like it's your last because one day you will be right!!!!

Behind every successful woman is a not so surprised man

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiters, is not a nice person.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire
his work.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

KALMADI JOKES

Suresh Kalmadi is member of Indian Parliament for pune and president of the Indian Olympic Association, Asian Athletics Association, and Athletics Federation of India. For last a few months he is making a lot of news in media for by all wrong means, particularly mismanagement of CWG and his possible involvement in cwg scams.

For the very reason their are a number of jokes in the air which show people's anger towards him, here are a few of those jokes, which clearly shows what people thinks about him.
 

 

1. AMAZING BUT TRUE: If you re-arrange the letters "Sir U made lakhs" you get "SURESH KALMADI"


2. A teacher asks students to tell the class what their father does. The first girl says, “Doctor”; the second, “Lawyer”; the third, “Journalist”. When it comes to the fourth girl, she hesitates and then, blurts out, “He’s a male stripper in a gay club”. The class gasps. But the teacher bravely struggles on. In the break,... the girl replies that he actually works with Kalmadi in the CWG.

 

3. "Breaking news... A.R. Rahman song dropped from CWG ...Instead, Kalmadi will dance at the opening ceremony, to the song. Delhi badnaam hui darling tere liye!"


4. Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing thanx to Kalmadi. Unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.


5. Prince Charles is thanking kalmadi and is actively convincing the Queen to visit dengue hit Cwg Delhi, this may be his last chance to become the king!


6. "Ba ba Kalmadi, have you any shame. No sir, No sir, we are having a Common Loot Game. Crores for my partner, crores for the dame, crores for me too, for spoiling India's name!"


7. "Bhagwan Ram patched up with Allah so that the focus remains on KALMADI."


8. "Compromise proposal for Ayodhya: Let the Hindus construct a temple, but the project must be led by Kalmadi."


9. "Gill calling himself a sports lover is like Shiney Ahuja declaring himself to be a feminist."


10. Question: How many contractors are required to change a light bulb in Delhi?
Answer: 1 Million - 1 to change bulb and rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling.


11. The truth behind Bulk SMS banning is to stop Kalmadi Jokes and not Ayodhya.


12.Question: Whats common between CWG committee and students?
Ans: both start their preparations at the 11th hour.


13. Thanks to Guernsey and Jersey for threatening to pull out of games! We now know these countries existed!


14. " Suresh Kalmadi must be the first choice if ISRO goes for trial and error experiments for manned space mission,"


15. BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi just tried to hang himself in the CWG Stadium. But the ceiling collapsed.


If you have more jokes about this great guy, please share here...